Check out this young man. He's had a hard life. My life has been a piece of cake compared to his.
Check out this talent!
Check out this talent!
Tuesday, June 07, 2011
Trust. Funny little word. Sometimes you don't know which bridge to cross and which one to burn.
My horoscope for May 19: It could be that you are a bit confused and nothing seems to fit right. You feel like you are faced with a hundred different roads and are unsure of which one to go down. All the choices seem reasonable, and you may be scared that you are missing out on something great if you choose only one. The truth of the matter is they can all be great if you incorporate what you have learned from the paths you have already taken to get where you are right now. Trust yourself.
What do you do when the only person in the whole world that you can trust is yourself? And levels of trust, how do you deal with that? Sure I trust my kids with everything including my life. I can't trust my brother at all. I trusted a man with my heart and he spent the better part of ten years finding ways to break it until there was nothing left to break.
Funny that trust thing with your significant other. I trusted him to watch out for me, protect me, care for me and in return there was nothing I would deny him. In the end, he lied to me, cheated and even today, months after we called it quits, still finds a way to stick a knife into me with his caustic rants. Why? Does it really make him feel good to write those words? Is it his defense mechanism?
Can you remain friends when you've shared so much, good and bad, really bad? I can be friends with just about anyone. But being a friend, doesn't mean I trust them. I don't want to be mistrustful, but I can't help it. I've been down that road a time or two, and if you feel in your gut that there is something wrong, there probably is. Sigh.
I know this posting seems a little disjointed, but that's how I feel tonight. Out of sorts, kinda weird. I am leaving for a fabulous vacation tomorrow and yet I am not happy, not feeling good about it and far from ready. (No packing done yet, etc)
Anyway I will write more later. Think on it for a while.
Calli
What do you do when the only person in the whole world that you can trust is yourself? And levels of trust, how do you deal with that? Sure I trust my kids with everything including my life. I can't trust my brother at all. I trusted a man with my heart and he spent the better part of ten years finding ways to break it until there was nothing left to break.
Funny that trust thing with your significant other. I trusted him to watch out for me, protect me, care for me and in return there was nothing I would deny him. In the end, he lied to me, cheated and even today, months after we called it quits, still finds a way to stick a knife into me with his caustic rants. Why? Does it really make him feel good to write those words? Is it his defense mechanism?
Can you remain friends when you've shared so much, good and bad, really bad? I can be friends with just about anyone. But being a friend, doesn't mean I trust them. I don't want to be mistrustful, but I can't help it. I've been down that road a time or two, and if you feel in your gut that there is something wrong, there probably is. Sigh.
I know this posting seems a little disjointed, but that's how I feel tonight. Out of sorts, kinda weird. I am leaving for a fabulous vacation tomorrow and yet I am not happy, not feeling good about it and far from ready. (No packing done yet, etc)
Anyway I will write more later. Think on it for a while.
Calli
Thursday, June 02, 2011
The best thing that I never had.... maybe...eh not so much.
Back in 2001 I was still lost after having lost David. I had no idea where to go, what to do. Losing him was sudden and not expected. To say I was going through each day in a fog is an understatement. I'm still not sure how I managed to be effective at all at work and I was certainly of no use to anyone at home.
David passed in September of 2000. Sometime in late October, I got a call from my friend Steve. He told me he was getting out of the karaoke business and had sold all of his equipment to a man named Jim who was doing karaoke at JV's in Arlington. I went to the show and met up with Steve that week. It was the first time I had been out of the house for anything besides work or school since before David died. I started going out to JV's every Tuesday, it became my Tuesday night ritual. (I used to go to Steve's show every Thursday for many years) Sometime in January 2001, I met Eric Brace at JV's. At that time, Eric was a writer for the Weekend section of the Washington Post and a part time performer singing in his band, The Last Train Home. While he was at JV's (he was very well acquainted with Lorraine the owner) he was researching karaoke for an article he was doing for the Post. One of my work mates, Bill, was a guitar player for Eric's group. So it was a fun and interesting series of connections.
Here's one of my favorite Last Train Home songs (ADD kicking in here)
On Friday Feb 23, the article Eric wrote came out in the Friday Post and to celebrate, I met friends Lorelei, Mary Beth and her Aunt Katie at karaoke in Fairfax at Patriot's Cafe. Patriot's was Lee McGuffy's show. Lee is still in business, Capitol Karaoke. I wanted to celebrate the article with the KJ who started it all for me! We were there for a short while, when I noticed, and became completely entranced with a guy who was there. Here was this man at the bar dancing with a woman and he looked so much like David, he could have been David's very close brother. I felt like I was going crazy. I was mesmerized and I was mad! Here was a man who looked like David dancing with some other woman! I was jealous! My friends looked at me and said, what's wrong with you. All I could do was point. I remember Lorelei saying "Oh My Freakin' God!" to which I replied, "I know right!?" I would find out later that night that this guys name was Drew. I would find out several weeks after that he was really bad news. VERY bad news.
Ordinarily, my common sense is pretty much intact. I can spot a bad deal a mile away. I could not begin to understand where I was at this point. I was still reeling from losing David, and here before me was a man who bore a striking resemblance to him. That night I went home (with two pictures of this look alike in my camera) and I vowed to find out who he was, where he lived, what his story was, and work on how long would it take me to get close to him! (psycho I know.)
A couple weeks later I went to the same karaoke and there he was. After about an hour I asked him if he wanted to sing with me. He was pretty awful but I didn't care. Just like a true karaoke ho, he was flattered and said yes. That led to an all night conversation in a diner. "Are you married, girlfriend or gay?" (Patent first question for me) "Married yes but separated, no girlfriend and definitely not gay." (Good answer!) Too bad most of it was a lie and what wasn't a lie was misstated pretty badly.
There is so much to this story that is not worth rehashing. Drew DID have a girlfriend and did NOT have any interest in me beyond putting another notch in his belt. Everything that happened between us spanned a time frame of about 3 weeks, but it took a great toll on me for months. I ran the gamut of emotions. I was obsessed with him, I hated him, I needed him, I wanted him to hurt like he had hurt me, hurt like he had hurt others, all at the same time. I hated what he did to his girlfriend, hated my involvement in that and I was very sad for his soon to be ex-wife and 3 little girls. They didn't deserve the heartache and shame he brought on them.
Years later, I can look back on that time and I think, good God what WAS I thinking!?? Doesn't make it go away. Just means that hindsight is perfect vision. I am also much more careful what I believe and who I can trust.
I ran across a new Beyonce' song called, The Best Thing I Never Had. Kinda fits this story somewhat. Check out the video below. Drew would have been lucky to have my attention, love and support. Not that he deserved it at all, quite the contrary. I'm glad I didn't let him play me for longer than a couple weeks. Glad my common sense came back and said, "Girl, get the hell out of here. Fast! Leave skid marks if you need to! That man might look like David, but he certainly doesn't have a heart and doesn't act like David. It's not David"
So Drew, where ever you are, you just ain't all that dude. Ha!
Enjoy Beyonce's song. It's speaks volumes! Till next time Callistas!
David passed in September of 2000. Sometime in late October, I got a call from my friend Steve. He told me he was getting out of the karaoke business and had sold all of his equipment to a man named Jim who was doing karaoke at JV's in Arlington. I went to the show and met up with Steve that week. It was the first time I had been out of the house for anything besides work or school since before David died. I started going out to JV's every Tuesday, it became my Tuesday night ritual. (I used to go to Steve's show every Thursday for many years) Sometime in January 2001, I met Eric Brace at JV's. At that time, Eric was a writer for the Weekend section of the Washington Post and a part time performer singing in his band, The Last Train Home. While he was at JV's (he was very well acquainted with Lorraine the owner) he was researching karaoke for an article he was doing for the Post. One of my work mates, Bill, was a guitar player for Eric's group. So it was a fun and interesting series of connections.
Here's one of my favorite Last Train Home songs (ADD kicking in here)
On Friday Feb 23, the article Eric wrote came out in the Friday Post and to celebrate, I met friends Lorelei, Mary Beth and her Aunt Katie at karaoke in Fairfax at Patriot's Cafe. Patriot's was Lee McGuffy's show. Lee is still in business, Capitol Karaoke. I wanted to celebrate the article with the KJ who started it all for me! We were there for a short while, when I noticed, and became completely entranced with a guy who was there. Here was this man at the bar dancing with a woman and he looked so much like David, he could have been David's very close brother. I felt like I was going crazy. I was mesmerized and I was mad! Here was a man who looked like David dancing with some other woman! I was jealous! My friends looked at me and said, what's wrong with you. All I could do was point. I remember Lorelei saying "Oh My Freakin' God!" to which I replied, "I know right!?" I would find out later that night that this guys name was Drew. I would find out several weeks after that he was really bad news. VERY bad news.
Ordinarily, my common sense is pretty much intact. I can spot a bad deal a mile away. I could not begin to understand where I was at this point. I was still reeling from losing David, and here before me was a man who bore a striking resemblance to him. That night I went home (with two pictures of this look alike in my camera) and I vowed to find out who he was, where he lived, what his story was, and work on how long would it take me to get close to him! (psycho I know.)
A couple weeks later I went to the same karaoke and there he was. After about an hour I asked him if he wanted to sing with me. He was pretty awful but I didn't care. Just like a true karaoke ho, he was flattered and said yes. That led to an all night conversation in a diner. "Are you married, girlfriend or gay?" (Patent first question for me) "Married yes but separated, no girlfriend and definitely not gay." (Good answer!) Too bad most of it was a lie and what wasn't a lie was misstated pretty badly.
There is so much to this story that is not worth rehashing. Drew DID have a girlfriend and did NOT have any interest in me beyond putting another notch in his belt. Everything that happened between us spanned a time frame of about 3 weeks, but it took a great toll on me for months. I ran the gamut of emotions. I was obsessed with him, I hated him, I needed him, I wanted him to hurt like he had hurt me, hurt like he had hurt others, all at the same time. I hated what he did to his girlfriend, hated my involvement in that and I was very sad for his soon to be ex-wife and 3 little girls. They didn't deserve the heartache and shame he brought on them.
Years later, I can look back on that time and I think, good God what WAS I thinking!?? Doesn't make it go away. Just means that hindsight is perfect vision. I am also much more careful what I believe and who I can trust.
I ran across a new Beyonce' song called, The Best Thing I Never Had. Kinda fits this story somewhat. Check out the video below. Drew would have been lucky to have my attention, love and support. Not that he deserved it at all, quite the contrary. I'm glad I didn't let him play me for longer than a couple weeks. Glad my common sense came back and said, "Girl, get the hell out of here. Fast! Leave skid marks if you need to! That man might look like David, but he certainly doesn't have a heart and doesn't act like David. It's not David"
So Drew, where ever you are, you just ain't all that dude. Ha!
Enjoy Beyonce's song. It's speaks volumes! Till next time Callistas!
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